My life's a salad. Cold, but healthy.

2012-02-14T13:21:00.002+08:00

I can't stand people saying shit that have no point when they're arguing with me, fuck I hate it when people can't focus on their persuasion & go yabbering about irrelevant shit,

Mother fuck, I'm late for sch.

i'm an orangutan

2012-02-13T23:53:00.001+08:00

2012-02-11T14:29:00.000+08:00

To be honest I am hiding so much of pain inside me that's fucking killing me & I wish I could tell someone to save me from it I really wish I could tell someone

Cab driver asking me if I'm a Pom Pom girl & being too friendly bitch it's a cheerleader

2012-02-10T23:47:00.002+08:00

& no.

Flying into the sun

2012-02-10T18:27:00.003+08:00

If only it were not a crime to tear the larynx out of those who abuse their right to speak by letting others listen to their shitfuck high-pitches conversations from like 30m away.

My god do I hate humans & crowds in general. Had too much of it at Little India during our excursion. It was pretty fun though when an audience was gathered at the amazing spectacle of 15-or-so people sitting & drawing with a hairy white man coaching them.

The heat & walking amongst people & traffic really drains me, I find myself left without patience, left with the delusional state of mind that every single person out there is trying to hurt me.

2012-02-09T07:14:00.001+08:00

I dreamt someone gave me 30 or something hamsters :'(

fucking sad. bye art.

2012-02-08T22:06:00.002+08:00

My hamster died of heatstroke today, I just buried her.

At 19 years old I'm still crying over this. But y'know whatever.

2012-02-08T21:00:00.000+08:00

this is my chair

2012-02-07T22:17:00.001+08:00

How did everything become so messed up

2012-02-06T13:03:00.001+08:00

:(

2012-02-02T17:40:00.002+08:00

Back & fourth we scramble like opposing tides.

I know I don't need anymore pain added to my history & I can't love or accept love anymore.

Even if I wanted to I could never tell you that I need you.

Slipped into a dream induced coma, these thoughts seeped through to the recesses of my past. Notes on the floor addressed to me, glimpses of you. A disturbed person emotionally protesting against something, laying himself on the street & disappeared when I tried to help. Living in a dying earth in which the humans were trying to save it. Over the seas a football field-sized area of water was cordoned off. It was crystal blue. The water outside it was green & brown. How did you do it? I asked. The use of Darwin's weed or something of the like, & we were to search for it on another planet but it was too expensive buying from the "aliens here who were growing it". Then a big ship, as if on cue, sped over the clean area of water. & I saw the filth of man spread its poison. The most powerful & authoritative of the humans were trying so hard to create the cure for the world. They searched for the last ingredient to put into the pool to fuse. When they succeeded, I saw the device come alive, twist, convolute, became thinner, changed its shape, & fly out into the sky spinning with increasing speed. And the humans could not catch the one powerful thing that could clean up the world. Witnessing all this, I thought it was fate. I retired to another home of which I saw in a previous dream, spent my time lying down, thinking if it weren't raining, I would get out to explore, & also that I had a lot of work to do.

Then I woke up in the evening of the now, & feeling the emptiest feeling in the world....

Omg I have like chronic ego inflatus or something.

2012-02-02T04:14:00.000+08:00

To which goes away momentarily when I cry..

But hey I just try to keep things sophisticated.

2012-01-31T22:03:00.000+08:00

2012-01-31T12:21:00.000+08:00

I feel like a hup dib dib dibbily huppily hup hap... Ugh... Going to school makes me feel like all weird & inside of myself. I forgot what I wanted to say.

Lunchie

2012-01-30T12:29:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I open up the page to my blog, & hope longingly that I see an update... As if the person who used to tend this sacred place has now gone.

Well today's lunch was delivered to my house from a person who has been giving me a hard time but also wants to make up for all of it. It's pretty sweet cause no one's done this for me before. I know it's a small gesture but.. From someone 16km away, it's special to me.

2012-01-27T10:34:00.001+08:00

i have nothing to say about the way things are

i was in the darkness, so darkness i became

2012-01-26T22:04:00.001+08:00

i love charcoal

2012-01-24T13:25:00.000+08:00

James's homework hands, charcoal

Middle way

2012-01-22T15:19:00.003+08:00

I'm too fucking lazy to do anything. My mind is so active but physically I feel like being stationary for the rest of the day.

Sometimes I wonder how come other people, when they get affected, they can shrug it off so easily... Like we're all supposed to take our troubles with a pinch of salt to be happy but I feel like that breeds irresponsibility. Whereas I take my problems so fucking seriously yet that's not good either & it hurts me & others. So I don't really know. I should be like Buddhist or something, find the middle way.

Hey Ryudove, miss you.

hup hup hup

2012-01-17T22:29:00.000+08:00

khmer rouge

2012-01-17T21:57:00.004+08:00

Everyone knows about Hitler and the Holocaust but few people, including me till today, know about Khmer Rouge. A 20th century genocide that killed millions of people in Cambodia. During 1975-79, the leader Pol Pot wanted to turn Cambodia into a utopian land modeled after medieval agricultural Cambodia when everyone was a noble peasant. So all who were rich, educated or not of 'pure blood' had to be tortured then disposed of. Free market powers were cauterized in an attempt to create a perfect communism. Even picking wild berries was considered private business and would be punishable. They separated children from parents to brainwash them into new regimes, and many people died from the lack of Western medicine and famine.

I'm pretty psyched at the way crazy leaders want to exercise social engineering, and fail on a large scale. Wars and genocides throughout history should've told the world by now that tweaking the fabric of humanity on a large scale is not possible with force...

CNN documentary hurr~

Pride before friendship

2012-01-17T11:16:00.002+08:00

I don't know how to tell sensitive things to an overtly defensive person. I guess I understand what it's like to be someone who feels like the world is attacking you... But I would never do that. I'm not really angry but I feel sad for the fact that there could've been more room more maturity & patience. I hope one day he'll realize that people don't mean him harm, they just want to love him. Same goes for me too I guess.

2012-01-16T16:56:00.001+08:00

For some people, being happy is a natural thing, good for them. I often times lose focus on that agenda so I need to keep it up again.

Forward

2012-01-16T14:34:00.001+08:00

It's ok

These people who say they care are the people who don't.

2012-01-16T06:07:00.003+08:00

I am destined for a life of regret & hatred for myself & fear of everyone & close relationships/friendships.

Especially when I am once again stumbling on the streets after midnight drunk-sedated & in tears, confused out of my mind, with a bruised & cut up body.

Because y'know no one really cares because they care more about themselves & where they're going. To hell with everyone. I love you, I care for you forever. You're the only one that matters to me. Fucking promises my ass. Why? Why do people lie to me all the time... Why do they keep lying to me about things like that... Things that my hopes & expectations ride on?

I had the dream of the 6 headed dragon in the sky battling our protector the immensely giga fire-breathing one.

I cut myself to feel better

2012-01-14T18:07:00.001+08:00

But it don't matter cos I'm crazy

Sealing the deal

2012-01-13T13:11:00.002+08:00

Yknow what I fucking hate? I fucking hate it when guys bash girls on the whole PMS thing. Why? PMS ah? I don't give a fuck. I don't believe in the PMS idea & I find it extremely irritating & childish & offensive. Motherfuck.

Fug

2012-01-13T12:40:00.002+08:00

It's scary to be in a relationship with someone who feels a lot for you... Okay, so I remember the post whereby I wrote that I want this & that, anger & pain & all... I think maybe I want it in lesser amounts... Lolwut i know this is serious but I think I might get hit the next time this happens & Yknow what I should just stay away a little bit more.

S, I kinda know how you feel now.

But I'm not sorry.

no matter how much you think you love somebody, you'll step back when the pool of their blood edges too close.

2012-01-09T21:10:00.001+08:00

i just made the toughest decision of my entire life

2012-01-09T21:00:00.000+08:00

French or film techniques. French or film techniques.

It was film techniques.

Ugh

2012-01-09T07:45:00.002+08:00

So I bought a pack & I didn't really like need it or anything, I just "kinda" wanted a stick but I guess yknow it's alright to have it cause I always only wanted it for security? I hope it either stays at the bottom of my bag or I should just give it to someone.

Anyway it's the first morning of school, a long time since I had to take my stupid 2 hour travel but this reminds me of the times when I struggled with another bout of depression & I had the crazy idea to go wander around in Yishun after midnight till I found a stupid someone...

Point being that I'm so grateful to have Anthea & to have had her convince me out of it.

Public transport reminds me how much I hate being around strangers.

No offense but

2012-01-08T06:38:00.002+08:00

You think that normally unfunny people who keep quoting & posting 9gag on their Facebook profiles think they're the funniest motherfuckers on earth? I can't wait for the trend to die out. God damn.

check tumblr for new art arf arf

2012-01-07T23:44:00.000+08:00

he too nice to me but he dont know howt handle me

2012-01-06T23:45:00.002+08:00

Full of regret

For every time I allowed someone to be close to me, or trusted them to "take care of me", or to have ever revealed my secrets, weaknesses & everything I felt was close to my heart or ever had the potential to make me cry.

I feel the following things:

I'm stupid

I'm only trying to gain sympathy & when I don't get it, I act like a spoilt brat

But yet again I'm not trying to gain sympathy I just want someone to show me the other side of things.

Maybe I need to see the other side of things for myself

I (still) cant trust people

Ought to be alone

Should stop agreeing to seeing him so I'll be a happier person

just some funny shit

2012-01-03T20:13:00.000+08:00

Dying dying dying

2011-12-31T21:53:00.004+08:00

God I know I feel like shit right now but I should resist it and not go buy cigarettes. No no no. Shit I don't even feel like crying I just feel like smoking some shit.

Happy new year all you motherfucking fuckers I hope the world ends.

Chill

2011-12-31T13:14:00.002+08:00

I can't believe idiots exist. There are idiots who still exist! People are stupid enough to think that their righteous presence matters so much as to dictate the mood of others & direct their furies from a storm to a calm. You know how much it pisses me off when I'm already angry & people tell me to chill, or relax. It's like for people who pretend they know how to handle me. Oh fuck I know it's none of my business but just saying that I hate it when people say "chill" when they don't fucking know the fucking situation. & their stupidity shines through when they post comments like "chill?" with a fucking question mark! It's as if you need some fucking reassurance. Dumbass. You just want a reply like, "no la I'm ok haha thanks for your concern." FUCK U.

Off is the general direction in which I wish you would fuck.

2011-12-31T03:54:00.001+08:00

pomegranate seeds.

2011-12-30T22:18:00.002+08:00

My father loves us and all but he minds his own business and in that sense we do too. I take after my father in terms of how much I feel we ought to involve ourselves in each other's lives.

Just now she came into my room with the digital camera, trying to show me some pictures that she took. I don't know if it's an old lady thing self-centred thing to think that whatever they do is the most interesting shit ever but she kept forcing me to look at them. I kept saying no, I didn't want to, but I did look at them anyway. And even when I turned my whole body away she just shoved the camera in front of my eyes... Leon says she just needs attention, and I think he's right, she's insecure, she needs reassurance and all that shit, but I think she shouldn't come to me for it.

I know it's just a small matter but the only reason why I have so much bitterness and anger inside of me is because of all the things that happened before... and now I just can't bring myself to share interests and opinions with her because I feel like it's gonna poison and hurt me. Just like the way she really hurt me in the past when I was at my weakest.

Whatever, this is old stuff anyway, and I hate that recounting what happened in the past can still make me cry but ahhhhh this is bullshit. Whatever. I prepared a bowl of pomegranate for her this evening, I'm nice like that.

2011-12-27T01:41:00.000+08:00

I will never have the balls to tell you how much I appreciate the way you care about me.

Simply because a few bastards from my past ruined it all for me.

2011-12-26T14:47:00.000+08:00

theres a perfect explanation to say that you're my love, my love

I think my elder brother is autistic & I'm not saying this for fun

2011-12-26T11:53:00.001+08:00

Please stop shouting I haven't got out of bed.

Really lol

2011-12-25T11:02:00.000+08:00

I wanted to say something depressing about how I feel this morning but then I forgot..

Ok let's say I fuck all "beauty of language" & coherence & sense & pride & I just typed all I feel then this will be it

2011-12-25T01:30:00.004+08:00

So like my past, fuck my past yeah cause I'm supposed to have been moved on from it & what if im not? So he keeps telling me Im stronger than all that & Im a big girl I don't cry blablabla ya it's true I don't cry (much) anymore but he doesnt know shit of what I'm feeling I think emotionally we arennot the same I know how positive he is based on the way he's talked about things before & even that time when he knew he let me down so bad he said he felt bad so bad totally bad I just wanna go home I just wanna see you bla bla & for a moment I was like oh god I found the "him" & I asked him if he's joking & he said he meant it but then seconds later he's like I'm ok now ^^ & that disappointed me & took away whatever good impression that was growing the kind of trust I can put in this & honestly maybe im crazy but he's really nice to me & all, not the fake "positive" like the air signs but the real genuine positivity & sometimes Yknow call it jealousy or whatever you will but as much as its meant to be good it sickens me cos I cant be with someone who's too positive Yknow it's so hard to find the balance the person who's pessimistic in a good way I can't get someone to understand me like that & even if they do those people are my best friends tonight I am unhappy when I ought not to be but I am unhappy over a myriad & amalgamation of reasons firstly I feel like I betrayed him & made him wait the whole day & made him miss some things & finally he doesn't get angry with me or at least scold me a little & that makes me uncomfortable too cos what did you really not give a shit it's as if it doesn't matter what the fuck I did @ my presence makes no spectacular difference & him telling me he would rather see me is just a manipulation of the situation cos instead of saying I'm lazy to go meet my friends he'd rather make up something to make me think Shiet he's the sweetest thing & I'm so bad but then again what if he's genuine but I can't & I won't trust whatever the fuck people say cos sometimes it doesn't tally with their actions, reactions it don't make no sense it seriously don't make no sense if you want me that badly I want to hurt you & make you agonize over me & show it I don't care if you said one night that you're not the kind who shows emotions because I judge people based on the reactionary emotions call me a crazy bitch but in essence I guess I'm just saying I want to torture him because I want to feel wanted god damn I'm like so afraid to even be happy cos it means that I can be sad too & that day I kind of casually ask him whether he's emotionally invested or something liddat then he said no then I was like ok & then he was like what dyou mean then I'm like I'm just casually asking when in fact I'm not I'm just judging him based on his reaction cause I wanted to know & honestly I felt like kinda disappointed by why should I idk then he said but with you I am what & by that time I'm like telling myself inside it's too late let's backtrack right fucking now Part of me knows he's genuine part of me feels that it's not enough so I feel like then again isn't this the problem I have with all my past relationships? Trusting emotionally?

Balls deep

2011-12-25T01:14:00.005+08:00

I don't really have to write this because I try not to declare love or pain...

This blog has almost no use as my more tender emotions require no blood-letting...

But for the record, sometimes I feel like I'm crazy because unconsciously I probably want a little crazy drama & pain. But wait no I don't. Wait. I don't know.

It's just my expectations.

In relationships I'm a fucking emotionally greedy person. Treating me well without showing anger is so sweet but why do I feel like that's not enough? I'm crazy aren't I? I want your desire & affection & then I want your agony & pain. Because I don't want to give those things anymore. So... I don't know. Feel sorry for the current guy.

Went shopping today. It's the most tiring thing, them crowds.

2011-12-24T22:23:00.001+08:00

His shoes is bathroom slippers

_|_ Need to get out of the house.

2011-12-24T14:10:00.001+08:00

My mother just shouted at me because she forgot where she put the trash bin liner. What the fucking fuck.

all they cant pronounce ma chineses name

2011-12-22T15:40:00.001+08:00

please?

2011-12-22T12:59:00.003+08:00

One more time I hear or read you utter another over-used catchphrase that's inappropriate for your ethnicity I will bleed from my ears.

Fuck, my heart is breaking & I feel nothing..........ness

2011-12-21T23:57:00.000+08:00

Lol Dirt off my shoulder

2011-12-21T21:49:00.000+08:00

I think if you want to deserve to be possessive over a person, you have to earn it.

Subway eat "fresh"

2011-12-20T11:34:00.004+08:00

I am never fucking eating Subway for another day of my life. There is no place with worse sauces & stale vegetables, bread & meat. How fresh can it fucking get if they're sitting in plastic bins the whole day? Subway used to be really good, when the vegetables were still fresh & the workers didn't indiscriminately squirt the nauseating sauce all over. When the tuna was fresh & those sandwiches were cold while the others were hot. Now everything is so semi, it's so gross. But I'm not saying all this out of nothingness. I ate at Vivo's subway last night amongst a flurry of tons of other customers & an upsetting bunch of news that turned out to be a joke... The point being I felt its sickening effects even half an hour into digestion. Maybe it wasn't the Subway, I'm not sure. Maybe it was whatever I was eating in the afternoon. Maybe it was the cigarettes. (I don't even buy packs anymore but smoking two Red sticks myself makes me sick.)

I don't know, but I fucking puked at the hotel & on the road & when I suddenly woke up in the night, it all lurched itself out of me. & the stink of sweet onion stayed on the bottom of my throat, an amalgamation of sick, day old lettuce, the stench of the kbkb worker's hands on the skin wrappings, cucumbers, onions that picked their way through the stomach acid.

Terrible... I can't even eat now..

2011-12-18T11:54:00.000+08:00

"thought that i saw you, it was just someone else. why do

we search for what we search for what we search for what.

the principle of the matter being: you left me waiting."

People takin advantage & shiet

2011-12-18T11:53:00.001+08:00

A darling to me bought me a skateboard!

2011-12-18T00:10:00.001+08:00

They see me rollin'...

Angst

2011-12-17T13:10:00.003+08:00

Yknow why teenagers smoke? Because they have angst. Right now I have the angst of a thousand burning teenagers in my lungs because like everyone else, I have issues with some parental figure one or the other & funny how my life changes & shifts, people coming & going & never making a permanent fixture? Maybe that's good. But the one thing I want to get rid of just keeps staying. I didn't say I want to get rid of her I'm just saying I want to get rid of the anger & frustration that exists when us two entities combine. It's so sad because she brings out the worst in me. I don't know why, she's the only person that I flare up against, all I can do to prevent my temper from becoming docile apathetic to bitchtastic is to literally be apathetic, like I have to make a big effort to ignore her sometimes just so I won't get angry & hurt feelings or what fucking ever. How many times can I complain that we don't get along till something happens? & it's not like I don't make an effort. So I rarely say sorry in the straightforward way most of the time. I think maybe part of me didn't mean it because I just got super fucking pissed with her reaction toward it? I felt like maybe for my generosity of pride-letting, it was not returned. Because she rubbed in my face her self-righteousness & my wrong-doing as of in her own opinion. Hey who likes to be told off even after they apologize. Whatever, & even after that... Sigh whatever. Break free man. I wish I was a boy.

not a thank you was given that day

2011-12-14T18:50:00.004+08:00

It's a shitty week where you imagine (or know) that people take advantage of you... or whatever... I don't know lol, and everything feels not right... and you just want to be nasty to everyone, idgaf... I won't bother to humour you sons of bitchez.

2011-12-14T01:52:00.001+08:00

“do not hold your sadness to your chest like it is a small, soft pet when it is something so ugly”

chris martin

2011-12-13T00:26:00.003+08:00

I really think no one else really touches near the music of Coldplay. I don't really understand the more upbeat electronic newer music of theirs but nothing feels quite like the older stuff.

selena gomez

2011-12-10T19:27:00.002+08:00

WHAT THE FUCK I WAS LISTENING TO Love You Like A Love Song by Selena Gomez AND I REALIZED SHE WAS BORN ON THE SAME FUCKING DAY (AND YEAR) AS ME AND I THOUGHT SHE WAS SO YOUNG AND WTF AT HER VOICE AND UM NOW IM WONDERING WHY I MADE THIS POST

rebel @ clark quay

2011-12-10T19:14:00.003+08:00

I looked down and I was pleasantly surprised at the coincidence of us three wearing the primary colours on our feet.

Going to Club Rebel on tertiary night feels like shit when you're surrounded by prom kids. Actually anything feels like shit when you are tired or sick, so we must not confuse that with "the dip". Funny how clubbing can make you feel terrible but people keep going anyway.

I have a stupid story that I don't get good reactions for telling, but basically I almost beat a guy up (or tried to and maybe I could've gotten really badly hurt but well) but well that's what friends are for right... to keep the senses in you. To hug them into you, hold you tight till they are locked in. :) It wasn't exactly what I would consider fun, but it was heart-racing. The adrenaline rush when everything in peripherals seeps away in a blaze and all you can think of is the build up to the hit. I just think there are sickos everywhere and he chose the wrong person to fuck around with. Even outside clubs, if you think about it, so many people get away with being fucking nutjobs and no one ever puts them in their place. Why should I fear pain, a bruised eye, death, or being kicked out of the place if it meant I want to exercise my right to fight back against what I felt oppresses me and probably a lot of other people too?

I know I shouldn't turn this little thing into a "The Cause" kind of situation. But shiet it was nice having all of us together anyway. We'll do something healthier next time.

Not your ideal lover

2011-12-07T23:13:00.003+08:00

It's so common to find people like that. People who act in a manner so difficult to respect. I mean... I'm all up for people who will be direct enough to thrust an insult in my face... For as long as they can tell me why. I really hate a person who says something I find highly accusatory without the articulation or balls to back it up with perfect reason. Perhaps I did not act your ideal lover. Please take those petty insults elsewhere.

Anyway I'm pretty sure before every successful deviant there was someone who constantly felt the banalities of the difficulty behind mastering this art. & I am willing to make myself suffer just to see it through.

you gonna cut a hole in my chest and fuck my heart?

2011-12-07T12:58:00.002+08:00

2011-12-05T16:16:00.000+08:00

Wizard of Oz: And you, my galvanized friend, you want a heart. You don't know how lucky you are not to have one. Hearts will remain impractical until they can be made unbreakable.

Tin Woodsman: But I still want one.

2011-12-05T08:11:00.003+08:00

I'm actually creating a hitlist, whether or not the government will ever decide to make murder legal in this country is a whole other story, but I am creating that hitlist. And people whom I hate but can't remember are spared. Those who are burnt into my memory... you guys are going down first.

hello

2011-12-05T08:05:00.002+08:00

I'm here, in the present, to tell you of the future that you're making some mistakes that I hope you don't repeat. You of the past knows it well and has suffered the most, bearing a warning to us. But present you is not old enough to get it. Will you create more pain in yourself?

Fuck man I'm kinda pissed.

imagine that

2011-12-03T13:34:00.003+08:00

after listening to some binaural audio (sounds being transmitted into your head influences your perception), and reading one comment that said 'if this was real the music industry wouldve figured it out by now" i think maybe they already did and are doing it secretly i think if perfected this could be used to control minds. imagine a world ran by tyrants who like dictators play these sounds to people and enslaving them into a robotic kind of populace where everything is so sterile.... and theres a group of rebels who are planning to overthrow the dictatorship.. and they made themselves deaf by piercing their eardrums as an oath to the rebel group and also so that they are immune to the sounds...

hurrr durrrr

2011-12-02T10:56:00.004+08:00

He tells me I'm a very sweet-tempered girl and it surprises me because I've always thought myself to be really acidic and I said maybe you just don't know me long enough. But for now it seems as such. I used to be a really angry person, it was so bad, I told him. But he said that's the past and don't I want to forget the past and become a different person now? Yeah I do.

Now a days I still do get angry but less, and I also tend to forgot that I'm angry or why I was angry.

Threading as lightly as I can help it. I know how easily a good thing can go the other monstrous way. Fuck I'm lying in bed naked as I type this and I feel hungry for hashbrowns in a little pancake syrup.

would rather

2011-12-01T22:57:00.002+08:00

Why do I keep standing in the fray just to allow myself to go through this time and time again? I feel like weeping for how I am so tired of believing in something that I might never find. Throwing myself to the dogs, hating what I put myself through, and yet I wish that one day it will all change. But no, I don't speak their language. So I have to be reduced to speaking the dog's language. And even so, nothing changes. Why am I so affected by this now, when it's the exact thing that I've been trying to escape? Maybe I ought to lay my expectations and shit right flat on the ground before anything so that I don't have to be put through so much shit. Then again I say it as if it's not my choice but definitely it's in my power to control. Keep going back to that poison.

I just would rather go back to school.

2011-12-01T21:07:00.000+08:00

I don't defend myself, I just attack.

Shit be neurotic up in this bitch.

2011-11-30T19:33:00.001+08:00

mclean

2011-11-30T11:42:00.002+08:00

I don't normally post songs, what more RnB but I really like this one. When I realized "I wanna give you my name" meant I wanna marry you, I smiled lol.

if i was happy before knowing him, i can be happy after i leave it all behind

2011-11-30T02:22:00.000+08:00

goodnight...

this is me!!! pikachu is my heart!!

2011-11-30T02:09:00.001+08:00

fuck off.

2011-11-30T01:53:00.004+08:00

Now a days I just blame my emotional sensitivities toward the things people say or do on one or a combination of the following

haven't smoked the whole day
need some sleep
frustrated about myself or the past
just can't get along so probably should stop talking to the person

So I really just cut it off really quickly like, I know it's an infection, like well of course it's called an infection because some bastard one said I infected his life didn't he, so I just stop talking to some people altogether even if there's so much potential to be close to them.

Like no I don't know, I don't give a shit anymore, I don't want to be close to new people I don't trust and if you think that is going to hurt me, I don't care cause I believe I'm doing what I can to prevent myself from being hurt. Yeah it's true maybe I don't give enough of a chance but I did too much in the past and it's all dried up. Fuck shit about "finding something new that will change my perspective" because I'm not looking for that. I just want to be selfish. Just for a while. Y'all fuckers always said I never cared for myself. I do now.

fucking emotions.

2011-11-30T01:43:00.001+08:00

Who the fuck are all these people and who the fuck are they to me for me to allow them to affect me so?

2011-11-28T22:48:00.001+08:00

People sometimes ask me, ‘If things are so bad, why don’t you just kill yourself?’ The answer is that life is really, really good. I am a complex enough being that I can hold in my heart the understanding that we are really, really fucked, and at the same time that life is really, really good. I am full of rage, sorrow, joy, love, hate, despair, happiness, satisfaction, dissatisfaction, and a thousand other feelings. We are really fucked. Life is still really good.

Derrick Jensen

2011-11-28T17:33:00.002+08:00

Now I know why God said certain things were wrong to do before you were sure & ready. You do it & you keep doing it, you'll go to hell. Like heaven, hell isn't a place where you go somewhere but it a mental or emotional state. & God was right & He was trying to protect us. Because I really do feel so shitty & down.

The thing that still makes me cry is my inability to trust people & their affections for me. The only people whose affections for me I trust are my parents but then that's another case. Here I see people for one time & I judge them based on their words & my preconceptions of how everything is like & I just tell myself & the person at the end of the day that I regret knowing you. Isn't that just the worst... Shanks says I have to recognize when I am pushing someone away without giving them a chance. But what do I do?! I wish I were naive again. It was beautiful. Like seeing the world through a child's eyes. I trust you, I love you. Now all I can see are demons in people's faces & lies in their words, even if it's not true. Well they said the Devil makes you mistrust others around you so you have less people close to you. I don't know. Part of me wants to be independent. Other part tells me we all need love. Part of me tells me I need to pray. Cheesy I know.

All I know is that I'm afraid to be alone & in anticipation, I make that happen. James says I don't believe in love, which is why no matter how much people want to show me, I don't ever believe its there. I look at it as an unachievable utopian.

"then I was like 'wtf is bi?'"

2011-11-27T11:50:00.001+08:00

Damn, I keep drinking.

2011-11-27T00:59:00.002+08:00

Finally got to meet Edward in person after what, 2 or so years.

nothing much to say for now... other than to show pictures of myself or people lol~

2011-11-26T02:24:00.000+08:00

I will dig a hole and label it love and trick [him] to fall in from above.

2011-11-26T01:46:00.001+08:00

sweet G9

2011-11-25T21:37:00.000+08:00

It's the weather...

2011-11-25T11:48:00.002+08:00

Make no one your only one.

No drama, no worries, everything comes & goes as I allow it, spending time out..

2011-11-25T11:39:00.004+08:00

I really like my life as it is now. Maybe it's because it's holidays that's why it feels good. But I feel kinda guilty for not spending time with my parents because I'm out so much.

Yesterday's barbecue with the class was sweet. I think that although my alcohol tolerance is still so low (found out during gramp's birthday dinner that quarter a champagne flute & I'm woozy) I am starting to learn how to gauge the amount I need to feel the pleasantness of a drunken state minus the other things on the side.

Anyway. Purple Haze this weekend~ Shanks is freeeeeeee from the chains of A levels & SuzzySuz is well hopefully gonna sync with me successfully. :)

Scene girls

2011-11-23T14:11:00.003+08:00

Scene girls... Is it so fucking cool and scene to stand infront of a plain wall in the dark to take a picture of your face with your messy fucking hair and obscured dramatic I-am-so-deep-inside eyes with harsh flash and a boring straight-on composition and later edit it the fuck out with curves and colours in your art-school Mac oh fuck you you use Mac too so what I don't need to be scene I AM GOD nah that's me playin no one to hold the camera for me forever alone just kidding I bet they use self timer motherfuckers I still am God.

Kill me. Or die trying.

2011-11-23T13:53:00.001+08:00

._.

2011-11-23T00:34:00.000+08:00

I got 99 notifications but a worthy bitch ain't one!

2011-11-22T16:26:00.000+08:00

angry

2011-11-22T15:03:00.004+08:00

I am angry, extremely angry, I am made to be angry out of bitterness and this pain will never leave my eyes.

Don't come to me just to draw the poison out of me. I will spit it at you...

Lol I realize I'm becoming one of those girls who generalize men like fuck. Like... a little thing can trigger me into thinking they're dick-brained assnuts... and I never give them a chance after that. And truth be told of course it's annoying, but I feel like no one really understands what it's like till they're thrown into it. Just like how people hate "playas"... they've probably got some kind of pain they've felt before. And I just want to conquer it all with James now. To know these people, love em leave em. Whatever. Despite all, I'm sure I will find someone who will prove me all wrong. In the future. When it comes.

2011-11-21T19:13:00.001+08:00

I used to be like so open-minded & shit, like I'd meet new people without any inhibition & really get to know them. But I realized that even one or two of these people can make you suffer so much till you close up to the idea.

our filmszxa

2011-11-21T00:20:00.005+08:00

Hafi's final semester project in which I acted.

GIRL AND THE GHOST from Hafi on Vimeo.

And here is mine that's really important and personal to me because I had so much trouble with starting due to the state of my feelings at that moment. But I'm so glad it turned out well. It's briefly about the relationship between my mother and I.

like a knife.

2011-11-21T00:18:00.000+08:00

You'll be so surprised how different I am now that it would cut you like a knife.

Lol back to adm parties

2011-11-20T11:49:00.004+08:00

I thought I liked clubbing. But I guess like every "stimulant" it also has bad trips. Last night wasn't that bad but the reason why I dislike group is because people can get really indecisive or lost, & usually I like to hang back & let someone sweep the whole plan into action, & if I have to take charge you know I'm agitated. Firstly someone shouldn't have gotten too drunk, & we carried him on our shoulders. I managed to swallow a "fuck you" because I love him so much... It's not an obligation, or rather it is an obligation of love, because of course I'd take care of him above anything else, but I probably understand a little of what James feels like when I'm too wasted. & also maybe it was a bad idea to ask another person along because I still am not ready & am extremely guarded against things like that & I don't want to be a slut. In fact, there was a reason I deleted your number... Because I knew you weren't the kind who would call back. Or made sure I was safe. That shit. Maybe expressing your possessiveness & preventing other people from dancing with me was your version of care, I don't give a shit. Third, people weren't exaggerating that when you go clubbing it's all about the drama too. Like people get inflated sense of egoes with drinking & want to start fights, & it just seems like you ride on the spin when you do so. & all around me people were vommitting (fucking finger-stepped in vomit so many times) & crying & refusing to get up. People smoke so much y'know. Why am I acting like I'm surprised that I couldn't get fresh air? Some people were just lying down dead on the ground or against walls & pillars. One dude was outside the car park kneeling with his head on the road. I remember a time when i used to be like this. Drink so fucking much till it feels like death & worse the next day. Too much of all this will surely ruin my humanity.

Must not think about must not think about must not think about.

2011-11-19T03:03:00.002+08:00

May I have the liberty to desire, without the inhibition of shame, that you wake up to the thought of me?

Absolut lullaby

2011-11-17T12:50:00.001+08:00

I think there's a lot of pain or unhappiness that I'm accumulating & I don't know why it just keeps happening. Search harder for something & the more you don't see it at all.

lawyer fucker

2011-11-16T22:47:00.003+08:00

I have to sleep because three hours is definitely not enough - you start forgetting things, get headaches, appetite is crazy, bones ache, become super irritable, etc.

Before I sleep I just want to note down that whilst waiting for Alan at Chinatown tonight, this fella came up to me asking for Watsons because he wanted to buy facial wash. Then he asked me why I got my piercings, after which he said all his clients have piercings like me. I asked him if he thinks I'm a criminal. He said, "Not yet". I asked him if he was a lawyer and he said yes, he pointed out that he was in the black pants white shirt garb. And then Alan came so thank god, but before this fella left to shake my hand, he noticed my scars and insisted I had problems, troubles, and that I need to take down his number if I needed help. I refused because to me he wasn't "helping", he just wanted business.

Fuck that~

Anyway fuck this transitional state that I'm in, not in the right settings to make changes to myself, especially not in the midst of projects and exams and lack of sleep. Because I realized that while meeting new people now, I don't give them the simplest levels of respect that they probably deserve, no matter who they are. And it's not going to be a good path to head down. Delusional sense of self worth both in highs and lows, the failure in my tactic of making things informal... hate this shit.

Last night talking to James about shit till we went back to my house for me to do work and him to sleep till next morning.

Can't wait for everything to be over~

slipping

2011-11-16T06:58:00.003+08:00

If you don't sleep to do work you start not knowing what the fuuuuck is going on & become damn angry with everything thats slow or Wrong like what the fucj & why the fucj & I think I ent gonna do well fuuuuukkkkking nabei can't remember shit

Dreamsoup

2011-11-15T11:06:00.003+08:00

I dreamt the mental state of anguish & pain. For which I cried like a banshee & my father wanted to get away from it at the same time said I "couldn't help it". My parents were scolding me for things I didn't understand, maybe I panicked because I couldn't get their love, & they were leaving me, along with a bundle of money. But I didn't care for the money, I just wanted their love.

i dont like typical singaporean chinese guys cause they're boring

2011-11-14T02:52:00.001+08:00

No offense... but whatever.